The New England Patriots Need To Learn To Cheat Better

tom brady

New England fans … don’t fight this one. It doesn’t matter if Tom Brady knew the first-half footballs against Indy were underinflated. The fact of the matter is they were underinflated. Someone did it. Someone employed by the New England Patriots knowingly made the balls under the legal low limit of 12.5 PSI. Save your energy on this one. I once was a stubborn New England fan defending spygate because I believed every other team did it. And my initial fan-reaction to deflategate was, “every other QB probably messes with the balls.” My non-fan reaction to my fan-self is embarrassed.

What we should be asking ourselves is this: Why do the Patriots suck so bad at cheating? If you’re gonna cheat … cheat right. Have an Ocean’s 11 style plan of action. Just go all in. DON’T GET CAUGHT. After all, if you get caught you risk damaging the NFL’s vaunted “integrity.” I mean, let’s just say for the sake of argument that almost every team could have had a spygate of their own, and every other team could have had a deflategate of their own … why do the Patriots keep getting caught? They are like the one guy on the highway who keeps getting pulled over for going 75 mph even though all the cars around him are going 80.

What the Patriots really need is a Belichick Cheat Camp. Forget OTAs, forget minicamps. Get in that tape room and learn how to cheat … better. The guy doctoring the balls for your hall of fame quarterback shouldn’t be a weekend employee. He should be one notch under Bob Kraft. He should be given a front office position. Maybe a “Director of Cheating and Deflating Affairs.” Let’s be honest, the Patriots are not going to stop cheating. It’s just not in their nature. Cheating is their crack. They really don’t have to do it — especially in the AFC East — but it just feels so damn good.

Brady’s agent, Don Yee, issued the following statement about The Wells Report:

“The Wells report, with all due respect, is a significant and terrible disappointment. It’s omission of key facts and lines of inquiry suggest the investigators reached a conclusion first, and then determined so-called facts later. One item alone taints this entire report. What does it say about the league office’s protocols and ethics when it allows one team to tip it off to an issue prior to a championship game, and no league officials or game officials notified the Patriots of the same issue prior to the game?”

Yes, it is a terrible disappointment. It is significant. It clearly shows the Patriots are pretty bad at cheating. What happened?

To the Patriots:

Take the Ted Wells report as your text of what not to do when cheating. Text messages? That’s amateur stuff. Getting caught on video taking footballs into the bathroom? Were you even trying to get away with it? The nickname of the guy who allegegly deflates balls is “The Deflator.” Really guys? I’d give your cheating an F for effort.

You should know where the security cameras are in your own stadium. How about shutting off the security cameras for a few minutes? Something. Just give us, the fans, some effort on this.

Maybe somewhere deep inside you wanted to get caught. It’s tough to live a double life for too long. Did the cheating not feel satisfying any longer? If spying and deflating footballs just wasn’t getting your rocks off anymore … spice it up a little. Cheat more. Winning Super Bowls is fun, winning Super Bowls while cheating … no word can describe the pure ecstasy. In the words of the venerable Axl Rose, I used to do a little but the little wouldn’t do so the little got more and more. You seem to be trying to ride a wave that long since broke and hit the shore.

A brief three-part list of what you can do to feel satisfied again:

1. Stickum — An oldie but goodie. Your entire receiver corps should try to get away with this every week, no exceptions. This one is simple and a great first step to get your mojo back.

2. Twelve Players on the Field — This one won’t be easy and that’s the beautiful part of it. This one should really get your juices flowing. If there’s a coach who can finagle this kind of cheating, it’s Belichick. You would have to pick and choose when to use this one. My guess is it’d be better to use it late in the game when you’re in your hurry up offense and the refs have to try maintain order in a sea of chaos. Hell, maybe there’s even a loophole in the rule book where a 12th player is allowed from time to time.

3. Helium in the Kicking Balls — This was reported to have happened once in 1977 but it wasn’t true. Patriots, make the myth a reality. The infinite pleasure you’ll feel when Gostkowski lines up for 80 yard field goals will be worth the effort.

That’s just a start. Im sure you have notebooks full of cheating ideas. I think it’s time to dust off those notebooks to get back to the pinnacle of the cheating world.

Remember, none of this matters if you get caught. Have a rock solid plan of action. No digital communication at all. Build replicas of opposing stadiums to practice your cheating in different environments. The goal here is not to just cheat at home but to cheat in all 16 (and most likely more) games. Kraft has the money to bankroll this kind of operation. Belichick has the brains to plan it out, and the roster has the brawn. You’re a triple threat. So please, from one New England fan to his team: learn from this and cheat more effectively next season.


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Tom Fitzgerald

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