What I Learned From Not Watching the Super Bowl

Not Watching the Super Bowl

Not Watching the Super Bowl

I didn’t watch the Super Bowl!

Blasphemy, I know. It’s not because of my progressive leanings or my preference for circular sporting objects. I love guacamole and have been known to drink some craft beer from time to time (hello, Portland!).

Plus, it was Seattle. That’s like two minutes away from Portland, and us PNW’s have to share teams when David Stern lets Clay Bennett take them away from us we don’t have them.

No, I didn’t watch the Super Bowl because I was busy investigative journalist-ing.

The Richard Sherman fiasco? The Marshawn Lynch “media snubbing” junk? Peyton’s wounded ducks? Genius, Roger Goodell. Genius. Nobody wondered about that $765 million concussion issue when there were way cooler things to focus on!

Anyway, not watching the Super Bowl turned out to be very enlightening. Here are the things I learned about the Super Bowl from not watching the Super Bowl.

It Was Lame

Okay; seriously. How terrible was that game? Having not watched it, I can say with 100% certainty that it was totally not good. I can’t begin to quote all of the things I was reading on Facebook and Twitter, but there were so many gems!

Wow, this is lame” or “How much closer can it get???”  or “Don’t look now! Things just got WAY more interesting.”

How bad is a game when people can’t even say anything funny about how bad it is?

My favorite was an acquaintance’s reference to Peyton Manning — “When you touch darkness, sometimes it touches back.”

I don’t know what that means. But at least it made me laugh.

There Were Commercials!

Did you know there were commercials? Those things between the game breaks during the Super Bowl? Apparently, there were a lot of them, with everything from Chevy trucks and cow prostitution to Axe body spray. Did they spend more money on that Axe commercial than on the entire movie Nymphomaniac?

World peace sounds pretty swell. How simple it would be if the solution to the world not being such a terrible place was really as simple as not casting Shia Labeouf and spraying yourself with a bunch of Sex Panther pure gasoline?

Speaking of which; if these companies have enough money to shoot commercials that are better works of art than Lars von Trier movies, can’t they make products that don’t contain the stuff people use to scrub blood off highways?

Okay, okay. Just kidding. But seriously, Coke, would it kill you to use a little bit of sugar?

People Love Puppies and Horses

Okay, so apparently there was a really cute commercial about a puppy and a horse. I refuse to watch it because I don’t want to firewall my miserable, cynical, pessimism.

Everybody was raving about it, though. I heard way more about the puppy and the horse than that poor guy on the Broncos and the wounded duck. One tandem was cute; the other was sad and Manning-faced.

Budweiser always makes some good commercials, which apparently makes it all okay that a certain beer company is throwing all these American things at us — Clydesdales, puppies, beer —  and it isn’t even American! And it makes terrible beer.

Kudos to Belgium for making world class beer in their own country and bad American lager in ours! Did you know they save over $50 million a year by using cheap, non-quality hops and broken rice grains? Way to go Budweiser!

It Wasn’t Cold in New York

I knew more about New York’s weather than my own weather (it was sunny, thank you for asking).

It’s not like we have the Weather Channel or anything.

That would have made the whole “Peyton Manning can’t play in the cold” scenario way less interesting.

Pete Carroll is the Coach of the Seahawks (or, Richard Sherman is a CB on the Seahawks)

Yes, he is. Everybody, we know he is.

Yes. Him as well.

Thank you.

Peyton Manning is Bad (or, Football Inspires Illogical Nonsense)

This one is funny. Did he not win the MVP? Did he not have the greatest regular season ever?

I’m sorry, but for all the mean things I see written about poor Peyton, they’re mostly not fair. Coming from a guy who didn’t watch the Super Bowl — even I knew about how the Seahawks presented the worst possible defensive matchup for Peyton’s Broncos.

Not to mention, even if he didn’t score more than 8 points (haha, haha) was he really going to score more than 43 POINTS against the best defense in the league?

Wasn’t the entire Broncos defense starring in the Walking Dead? Weren’t they worse than that show? Is that even possible? Yes, yes it is.

Did we all forget that Denver usually just kicks the ball into the end zone on kickoffs (and is bad at special teams)? Because of that thin air of theirs in Colorado?

Was that Peyton’s fault? Maybe Peyton stinks in humidity. That’s why Seattle won!

Face it — the Seahawks were the Sunday lineup  on PBS Masterpiece (Sherlock, Downton Abbey) and the Broncos were AMC… Post-Breaking Bad.


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Horace Smith
Horace Smith writes about sports and the universe with a healthy dose of cynicism. He's based in Portland. !function(d,s,id){var js,fjs=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],p=/^http:/.test(d.location)?'http':'https';if(!d.getElementById(id)){js=d.createElement(s);js.id=id;js.src=p+'://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js';fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js,fjs);}}(document, 'script', 'twitter-wjs');