You know, I never really understood why everyone hated you so much. I mean, football is a difficult sport, and if it’s your job to run around smashing people into the ground, it must be really hard to stop yourself from snapping every now and then, and, say, stomping on someone’s arm, or their ankle, or accidentally having your foot land in a quarterback’s groin. It must also be really hard to restrain yourself from brutally driving quarterbacks to the ground when a simple tackle would have been fine. So, I get it, it’s a tough sport and you can’t be expected to rein it in all the time.
This is Detroit we’re talking about — you know, blue collar, working class, all that stuff. So, yeah, why not break that guy’s collarbone? I always thought it was okay to play unnecessarily rough. Even when I was in middle school, playing backyard football, I thought it was okay that the big kids always tried to destroy me. I mean, it’s football. Personally, I was surprised the bigger kids didn’t always step on my arm after tackling me.
I always thought you were a pretty nice guy, except for the time you hung up on the local radio host for asking a real question. Oh, and there’s the time you showed up in Royal Oak for a night on the town with a Yankees hat and jacket on (during the MLB playoffs, in which the Tigers were playing the Yankees). I mean, how could you be expected to know? Of course, this is just a rumor. Nobody wants to get sued, so I better cut it off right there.
I was always surprised that nobody believed you when you said you wanted to be in Detroit. I mean, why not take your word for it? I think you proved it when you cried after the loss to the Cowboys last year. Those seemed like genuine tears to me. I didn’t listen to a friend when he said “Those are tears of joy. He’s gonna get paid.” I didn’t buy that for a second.
So, you’re with the Dolphins now. Warm Miami. Lots of palm trees, sandy beaches and road rage. I’m sure they will take you in there just as we did here. Having a talent like you on the defensive line is a treat for any team, not just a team of underachieving, overpaid first round draft picks.
You may have to learn a bit of Spanish. It will come in handy when you want to tell the media how much you love being in Miami, and how much you love your teammates. Knowing Spanish will also be helpful when you want to explain that you didn’t mean to step on another player’s arm or leg. Here, let’s try: No fue intencional. No era mi intención de pisar fuerte en el tobillo! That oughtta work just fine.
Good luck, Ndamukong Suh!