Fantasy Baseball 2015: Tom’s Terrible Picks

Alex Rodriguez

I don’t have anything to open with except, Everyman has his chance to say who he thinks will be victorious. In the end, the histories are written by the victors, and those who valiantly hit home runs while their teams sucked will live on only in the annals of Such is the fantasy.

  1. Victor Martinez: He screwed a knee during the offseason, again. He’ll probably be injured again. It’s about that time. You already know this and have considered not drafting him. I am telling you to put him on your bench until he shows you he is the best switch-hitter/designated hitter in baseball. If he doesn’t, then oh well — have a hot dog. There’s no ketchup in baseball.
  2. Anthony Rendon: I don’t know anything about this guy. He’s cool. He might be the best second baseman, soon.
  3. Salvador Perez: This guy will smack line drives. It won’t stop for five years or so. His arm is golden. His memory of Hunter Strickland will give him new energy.
  4. Vin Scully: Don’t worry, XN Sports is quick in the business of developing a radio-announcer fantasy system. Stay tuned. In the meantime, add Vin to your team for quick-hits on ballpark baby attire and cute background stories on all the players.
  5. Joe Nathan: He is already blowing saves in spring training, and being salty about it. He doesn’t care about the fans. They aren’t part of his life. In terms of terrible, this is a great pick.
  6. Alex Rodriguez: If he has a decent season, Satan will be wearing his parka in hell. Here’s an idea: fill your roster with guys with the last name Rodriguez, that way you can call your team the Rods. If you can’t find enough Rodriguez’, through in a few Martinez and call it Rod-Mart.
    1. A-Rod
    2. K-Rod
    3. F-Rod
    4. Wand-Rod
    5. Josh-Rod
    6. Fern-Rod
    7. V-Mart
    8. JD-Mart
    9. Car-Mart
  7. Bartolo Colon: The epitome of cockroach — a creature that just won’t go away. He’s already giving up big bombs in spring training.
  8. Pablo Sandoval: Take a chance on the Wing Chun Panda, or whatever they call him. Did you know that in high school, he could bounce from first to second base on his belly? Anyway, this might be one of the last seasons he isn’t too bloated to play.
  9. Zack Greinke: Barring a nervous breakdown, Greinke should have a decent season so long as he doesn’t decide to turn his shoulder into an charging buffalo.
  10. Jenrry Mejia: The Mets reliever is poised for a hot season. How could he not have a good year with that outstanding new hairdo?
  11. Cameron Maybin: Did you know that in Maybin’s second Major League game he hit a home run off of Roger Clemens? In his next at-bat, Clemens drilled him. That’s all there is to know about Maybin.
  12. Rich Hill: Hill signed as a free agent with the Nationals on February 27th. If you need a guy on your roster who is alive, then Rich Hill is the pick for you.

So you see, fantasy baseball doesn’t have to be all about winning. Sometimes it’s fun to pick guys simply because you like the way their names sound, or because you feel sorry for them. It’s a real hoot to throw off the averages by drafting bad players in the first round!

Have fun and stay safe!

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Tomas Laverty
Tomas Laverty, frequent contributor to the MLB section, runs a Detroit web design company called Detroit Spaces.