The folks at Deadspin have stumbled across a new Amazon erotica series that both a) exists and b) shouldn’t.
The lazily titled A Gronking to Remember is the tale of a bored wife of a Jets fan who gets the hots for Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski after seeing him do “The Gronk.”
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Gronk spike a football. It changed my life forever.
The unrivaled power of his touchdown dance: “The Gronk.” It jettisoned jiggling ribbons of electric jelly through my body and melted my knees like two pads of margarine—turned me on quicker and made me wetter than at any other time in my life besides my wedding night.
It gets pretty hot and heavy with each touchdown dance:
Gronk lifts the football in his hand and spikes it down with such violence the ball launches fifty feet in the air and into the crowd of the stadium, who flip out wrestling to get the holy token of pigskin.
Needless to say, I am weakened again by the spectacle. Silky ribbons of juicy pleasure wobble through my nethers. My nipples harden beneath my sweater. I am hot. The room around me recedes. My breath quickens. I squeeze my hands together in the center of my chest, between my breasts.
I picture being mauled by a huge monolith of a man. My body used for his hard pleasure; a stone god gripping me in his hands. He hoists me in the air. My clothes are ripped from my body, my quivering flesh open and available, my body ready to be used by the strong force of the universe, a ravaging, rampaging man. He brushes aside his loincloth…
If you’re not sold already, this Amazon “disclaimer” really brings it home:
Warning: Contains some sexually graphic scenes as well as the misuse of American footballs that will leave you wet, hard and everything in between. Sports!