The regular season is over, and I’m not even sure if any of you are playing damned fantasy baseball anymore. My team lost a few weeks ago, and now I owe some guy a 12” trophy with the name of his stupid team engraved on it. I also owe my neighbor $50 for kicking a hole in his fence during week 7.
Either way, if you’re still keeping up, here’s a roundup of jerks who shouldn’t be on your team but are most likely available.
Mop-up Games (there’s only one or two games left – better late than never):
Don Kelly (DET – 1B, OF) Kelly, or “Little Donny Kelly” as we call him around the park will be getting some ABs now that the Tigers have sealed the deal in the AL Central. You should move him from your bench to any available spot based on the fact that he seems to contribute when the team needs him the least (sans that HR in last year’s ALDS vs. the Yankees). He is also a good bowler and will reply to your tweets.
Ramon Santiago (DET – 2B, SS) Here’s another Tiger who will get some at bats in the next couple of games. Manager Jim Leyland likes to play everyone. Sometimes, before games, he uses a Ouija board to determine his lineup, sometimes a game of darts. Santiago hasn’t seen much playing time this year, but that might be because Leyland is in the last year of his contract. He might get a hit – I don’t know. Who cares?
Jemile Weeks (OAK – SS) Yes, you saw it coming. The A’s clinched their Wild Card last night at home against the Rangers, so it wouldnt’ come as a surprise if manager Bob Melvin tossed Weeks out there to get a few looks. He needs looks. He needs a lot of things. I would venture to guess that if you combined all the writing we’ve done on Weeks and printed it out, you have enough to make a roll of toilet paper. We love him. He nearly won the Triple Crown Loser.
Brent Lillibridge (CLE – 2B, SS, OF) Dear lord, let us make peace with our demons in these final days of the season. Let us get a hit or two – you know, turn things around before it’s all over. Lillibridge has been tossed from team to team this year, finally landing with the Indians, where he has continued to suck beyond reason. Most of us, at some point, have been in the room with someone when they’re taking a dump – the look on their faces, it’s like nothing else. Lillibridge will remind you of those unfortunate experiences.
Tomorrow’s Starting Pitchers to Avoid:
Travis Wood (CHC) 6-13, 4.39 ERA: This is the best the Cubs can do, for now. Looking forward to next year when a few million fans will fill Wrigley Field for absolutely no reason at all.
Chad Gaudin (MIA) 3-2, 4.61 ERA: Not sure who this is.
Blake Beavan (SEA) 10-11, 4.68 ERA: Another Seattle pitcher who… … …another Seattle pitcher.
Daisuke Matsuzaka (BOS) 1-6, 7.68 ERA: Theo Epstein is happy to be rid of this garbage.
That’s all for this week, but visit us in a few days for a fantasy outlook on the playoffs. We’ll have it covered, whether you’re playing fantasy baseball or not, you can always rely on Baseball Jerks to provide you with the inside scoop on the week’s worst players.