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10 Things I Hate About The Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is as American as apple pie, but the whole experience has been watered down by a corporate effort to appeal to the masses.

Richard Sherman
Richard Sherman

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The Super Bowl is as American as apple pie.  In the last couple of decades it has become one of the most watched sporting events in world.  Diehard fans love it, fair weather fans look forward to it, and laymen of the game tolerate it on the one day that brings together fanatics, casual observers, and those that would normally care less about a game this country calls its own.  But in spite of its universal appeal, there are things I could do without, and the following list are those things.

Commercials – I know, everybody loves the commercials…not this guy. About 15 or 20 years ago, I was on board. You had Bud Bowl, a great car commercial or two, and some tech company would wow you with an innovative product launch.  But now, were about 15 years deep in a one-up process well beyond “jumping the shark,” and I’m done wasting my necessary “relief” breaks being disappointed by something that used to light my fire.

Media Day – What once existed as a means of gathering relevant information regarding the game, has since become the epicenter for Super Bowl hijinks and buffoonery.  Everything relevant regarding the game has likely been hashed and rehashed long before this mandatory press conference, and the bulk of the attention before, during, and after this annual circus revolves around critical material such as; who’s talking and who isn’t, who’s conducting interviews and who isn’t, and who can ask the dumbest and most irrelevant question, and to whom?  Call me a wet blanket, but I’ve little interest in watching a player disinterested in answering questions…not really answer questions, and even less interest in seeing a man dressed-up as a woman, a 12-year-old kid, or David Letterman’s mom ask those questions to said disinterested player.

Halftime Show – This has become a big deal to the masses, but as a legitimate football fan; I’m not the masses.  Watching has-been musicians like the Rolling Stones, The Who, and Diana Ross, obnoxious performers like Nikki Minaj, and over-the-top productions like…well…each and every one of them, offers little more to me than an elongated opportunity to stretch, eat, and relieve my body of the adult beverages I may or may not partake in prior.

The National Anthem – Relax, I’m not banging on our country’s musical ode to itself, but merely the weight and attention that’s put on and given to he/she who sings it, in addition to their performance of it.  Just sing the song.  Nothing’s worse than “I’m going to put my own twist on this song” guy, modifying the manner in which it was meant to be sung, for more than 200 years.

The Day After – It’s the end of the football season.  No more football Saturdays, no more football Sundays, no Monday or Thursday night games, it’s no football, all of the time.  I’m stuck following recruiting, waiting for the draft, and reading countless stories about NCAA violations that “University-A” may or may not be punished for, Free Agent-B might be signing with, or NFL Veteran-C might be going to trial for, for nearly six months prior to training camps.

Super Bowl Parties – This is where genuine football fans go to die.  Super Bowl parties are more about socializing than watching the game, and conversations regarding clothing, play dates, and celebrity gossip are all the proof you need to know that significant others are death to any real viewing experience.

Celebrity Games – You can’t beat watching pint-sized actors, unathletic pop stars, and overrated comedians spend the better part of two hours making you feel good about your junior varsity basketball experience. Can you? Yes, actually anything outside of a dentist appointment or court mandated execution would rate higher than an evening with the stars…on the hardwood.

Roman Numerals – Alright, it was cool for a while, but I’m done with the roman numerals labeling Super Bowls.  Super Bowl XLVIII could easily just be “Super Bowl 48,” right?  Players aren’t the only ones who are getting older, suffered a concussion or two, and/or just aren’t that smart, as these numbers get bigger I’d rather not have to spend valuable time surmising what in the hell a bunch of capital letters translate to in a language I know nothing about.  As the Storm troopers famously said in the original Star Wars, “move along.”

Ex-Players – Deion Sanders is just one of the seemingly hundreds of ex or current NFL players that these television and radio programs trot out to offer analysis on this year’s game.  At times, this is fine, but when you start seeing Player-A, B, or C stammering aimlessly in an attempt to explain something that ultimately ends up being irrelevant to the game or its outcome…over and over again, it’s time to reevaluate, producer man.  Varsity Blues’ coach Bud Kilmer – played by John Voight – may not have been an ideal mentor for young men, but he did believe passionately in something that aptly applies here:  “Stick to the basics!  Stick to the basics!  Stick to the basics!”  No more amateurs on my TV and radio…please!

Prop Bets – LeBron scores more points than the Seahawks and Broncos combined.  Peyton Manning completes more passes than Tiger Woods has putts.  There are more references to “Beast Mode” than “Omaha” during Sunday afternoon’s telecast.  All irrelevant to the game itself, but all a portion of ridiculous bets sports book’s are taking money on prior to Sunday’s Super Bowl.  Trust me, I’m not opposed to a wager or two, nor am I immune to the humor behind an odd prop bet from time to time, but the amount of mileage prop betting has gotten in recent years has eclipsed my threshold of frustration regarding pop culture and its over-the-top manner.

There you have it; 10 things I could do without, amongst a bevy of things I love about Sunday’s Super Bowl game.  It might be considered nitpicky to dissect one of this country’s modern-day success stories, but nothing is without its less than desirable side, and I’ve made it my point to bring those very things to your attention.  Enjoy the game, and try not to let my pet peeves destroy your viewing experience.

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